Living Today

The question of the day - how do we go about our day and do it for the Lord? It is so easy to get side tracked and live for ourselves - even in the little things. We can say our general purpose is Gods agenda... but what does living for God actually look like. It seems to me that everyone kinda just lives their life looking at the other christians that seem to have their life together, wondering how they are so close to God and what their secret is. Jesus is in my life - so what next? It is so easy to get into the habit of saying that when everything is good -- when I have what I need, when the kids are older, when I have more time I want to go out and do what I am supposed to do. What is stopping the general population of Christians from just stepping out daily? I do not know. I know in my own life - I am tempted with worries of what my future is going to look like. How am I going to get there, what do I have to do to make it happen. I get caught up in things that happen. I forget that God is in control and that it is all good. I think that htings will be easier once I am married, done school and have my kids. Once I am settled and have my life 'in line'. But I have since learned that since when is anybodies life going to be in line. It is something that we long for but we will never attain until we learn to be satisfied with today. I want to live for Jesus today and right now. So often I take for granted this day that I am living in. I forget that God can take my life just as quick as he gave it to me. Tomorrow is only wishful thinking.

Today

There is never a moment in my life that nothing is going on.... I can't recall the last time things were normal. Normal meaning I could just be. I know that God calls us to a higher standard and wants us to be everything we can be for him all the time, but sometimes - its hard. It's really cool because I get to experience life and be with people and watch them grow but at the same time it feels like I exist for other people. I love helping people - and I guess now that I think about it - I don't need help at this moment, so I am able. I wish that my heart would always be willing to say - "here I am, send me". God has enabled me to experience things so that I can help others through the same things. I don't mind. Its exhilerating actually. I love how he works through everything and everyone. I feel as though God has made me smart. Like maybe that sounds stupid. I'm not a genius by any means, but I feel wise. I have never acted my age (sometimes I wish I could) But I always seem to have the right answer for people. Why? I do not know. I have not done anything special to deserve this. In fact I usually feel unworthy to be doing work for God - because of the things I have done. I feel like I am missing heart. There are so many factors - I get proud of myself - I think about myself and what I have done - and how everyone likes me.. which is another mystery. haha All of a sudden - people want to be with me. I used to have no friends - and now I am someone that is different from everyone else and they love it? I wish I knew the answer as to what makes me so apparantly different. I have found Jesus. maybe that is it? I finally understand what it means to be a christ follower. I have known for the longest time - and I struggle with it daily, but the struggles are completely worth it. I feel unworthy because I don't take up my cross daily - I am not sure exactly what that means. What is my task in life? I do not know yet. I think right now it is to just be... be in God's presence, be a light?, be a friend, and be real. Right now I feel as if I have lost my very best friend ( I think my thoughts are all over the place right now - even on this page) He can't be my friend - because I don't want more than just to be friends. We shared pretty much everything and now that I am interested in someone else he realises that we are not going to be together. I guess I didn't see it all along - but now he is gone. The cool thing is that Jesus is always there - no matter what happens. I am still not sure how I feel about the whole situation. I think it still has not even clicked in... Even though that is allthat has been going through mymind for the past 5 hours.... I have just lost my best friend.. I have just lost my best friend. I feel like I have broken so many hearts in the past 2 months it is not even funny. Why? I still don't know. I just dont know. It was like I never could get the one I wanted- and now I can get what ever I want. What happened? I have to watch almost every interaction with the male species (haha) because they seem to take it the wrong way - every single time. And no one seems to understand where I am coming from. I don't know. But this last one is almost the worst. Ah - why does everything have to be so complicated.