Thoughts from the Aged and Lovely

I visited my Grandmother the other day. I love going there for tea. One because I love tea, two because I'm starting to learn that they love having me over and I have so much I can possibly learn from them. I usually like to have the mentality that I know a lot - not everything - just a lot. But my grandma is usually pretty blunt and without meaning to puts me in my place very quickly. As of late I have been trying to open up and tell her what I think because I know that she will reciprocate. And in doing so my grandma is quick to point out things in myself that I don't always like to acknowledge.

Yesterday the lesson was discipline. Man - I totally don't have it. I've known that for a long time. But its nice to know I am not alone. I was telling her all the things I was thinking about school, being scared of papers, wasting time on my computer, and things I want to do. My Grandma was kind enough to reaffirm that everyone struggles with discipline. It is one of the hardest things to achieve. One of my battles in life is how do I discipline myself? I honestly never really have had to be disciplined in anything. I always slack off and get away with whatever I can do. But I am tired of doing that because I know that there is so much more potential to enjoy things and achieve things that I would have never imagined. I want to do so many things - I want to serve God and to great things. But every time I think about these grandiose ideas the parable of the minas always comes to mind. How we need to be responsible with the little things before God entrusts us with the big things. AND - that the little things are just as important as the big things. There is no less meaning/significance in taking care of what we deem to be so little.

So, the lesson for me - or rather questions and challenges pour moi. What has God put me in charge of today, and be faithful with that. I have been slowly learning that Today is what counts - we cannot worry about tomorrow- and usually that is my first thought. Tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow, there is no guarantee except for what we have now today. How can I serve God today? what is the best use of my time? How do I go about finding out what you want for me - today and tomorrow. What does it look like to be still and know that God is God? How do I be bold and courageous and go about my daily task, and my life mission with confidence that God is right in front of me? Next is discipline. haha my worst enemy -and yet would be my best friend. How does one go about and train oneself to be disciplined? Je ne sais pas.

So many questions - and I feel like I have so few answers sometimes.

I dont think this is something you can just google.



What we are required to do now is STAND erect and look the world in the face and do our duty without fear or favour"
WINSTON CHURCHILL

A look into .....

I find myself thinking about what life will look like in oh say six years. I guess its understandable - partially because that is when I will be done school. I look back at how drastically my life and views and thoughts and ideas have changed in the past couple of years.... just how much more will things change? It brings mixed emotions, and of course being me the first one is worry. Not a bad worry all in all, but worry. And excitement, and intrigue are high up on the list. Pretty much I am at a point in my life where I can do virtually anything if I let God in, and if I put my mind to it. There is so many things that I want to do - hence the worry - because I feel like I cant just pick one - and I really want to pick the right one. As I learn more and more about God, this world, and other things I find myself discontent about more and more things. Not in myself (well actually thats a lie) but with the world - and the people all around me. How can I put love into this world? I feel so insignificant sometimes because there is so much hurt and need in this world. Where do we start? I am slowly starting to realize the truth in the verse: "he who is faithful with the small things will be responsible for many things" - I don't think thats exactly how it goes but anyways.... it makes sense. I think. But my purpose is to love. I don't know what that will look like when I am done school - and sometimes I am to worried about what the finished product will look like - and what I want it to look like. Rather than worrying about this present moment - or not worrying. Thats the wrong word. Focusing. I am slowly learning to focus in on what is relevant today. Tomorrow will come - and it will come nice and ready for me. God has given me this very minute - this day to do anything and everything that I possibly can to glorify him. I don't have to worry about the big picture. Not excessively anyways because its all theoretically taken care of. The hardest part is believing that - but its worth it. It kind of simplifies life and gets rid of a little bit of stress when I focus on today and focus on God. obviously - but easier said than done. Atleast for me. I'm trying to remember that I have been blessed with so much -
I have been:
Blessed to be a blessing


P.S. This picture is of my favourite t-shirt ever. I don't know who that is but props to the t-shirt.

Wisdom Love and Unity - All in One

So there's this verse in the bible - I think it says that we are supposed to love one another as much as we love ourselves. But that's not the one I was looking for.


I actually read 1 Corinthians 1 for my small group. There is nothing about love mentioned in this passage however, feel free to hear me out. So the first part of this passage talks about divisions in the church. My first question came from verse ten.

. "I appeal to you, brothers, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that all of you agree with one another so that there may be no divisions among you and that you may be perfectly united in mind and thought"

. Typical - What does this mean? however - I mean on what level, or to what extent does this remain applicable? Think about what our world looks like. Think about what Christians look like. Think about what denominations look like. Think about many groups of friends look like. We are divided beyond divided. I know for a fact that if I were to take this question to my parents church they would say that there should be agreement within a denomination. But if you look within denominations there is division. So I got to thinking - what would this look like? How cool would it look if people started to think with a discerning, yet open heart? What if - we took this passage literally? Shouldn't we be doing that anyways? I realise that this world is corrupt - and so ideally this would/should/could work - but reality is- not everyone will agree. But I ask this question.. what differences are so great that cause so much division between ourselves? What are the fundamental beliefs of being a Christian? I think that most of us would probably agree on the same things - God - three persons and yet one (call it a trinity or not) is ruler of all - knows all, is everywhere, and is just, holy, and perfect Jesus - The saviour of the nations - died and lived again - a perfect life to redeem us, a fallen people We - are the body of Christ, called to go and make disciples of all nations - baptizing them, to glorify God, and to be Holy I don't want to start a debate or anything - but why does it seem so simple? I know there are many other things that are included in the Christian faith but so many of us are hard of heart (including myself), so prideful, and we believe that everyone should see it our way. If we have to change our way of thinking that would mean several things. It would entail that we were possibly wrong, that we might have to suck somethings up, that we might have to actually humble ourselves and show people we are not perfect. I don't know - maybe I am simplifying things way too much. But I believe that there are things that everyone could benefit from every denomination. Everyone says that there is not one church... so why is it so hard to come together as one body.

The note on verse 13 sends us to Chapter 12:12-13 .

"The body is a unit, though it is made up of many parts; and though all its parts are many, they form one body. So it is with Christ. For we were baptized by one spirit into one body - whether Jew or Greek, slave or free - and we were all given the one spirit to drink"

. the study note = a unit...many parts. This example illustrates the unity and diversity of the different spiritual gifts exercised by God's people, who are all members of the one body of Christ.


. So what comes to my mind when I read this verse. I see many different people (obviously) - but I see that believing this verse has powerful connotations. I just believe that if everyone could put aside their differences - and love we would see a new movement. What would the true body of Christ look like? God has made us all different - so we shouldn't have to conform to one type of worship, to one way of connecting to God. Now I'm not referring to moral relativism or anything, but I think that we could learn a lot from what others have to say. If we were not so closed minded, or afraid to be pushed out of our comfort zone - into something different. We need a wake up call. No one is going anywhere until we clean up our act.

I think I kind of rambled a little... and Im not sure if i ended up making a point there but anyways - that was what was running through my mind when I read this part of the chapter. We could do great things - if we came together as one body. Maybe I am thinking too big maybe I am not.

All right so the second Part talks about the wisdom and power of God. Every time I read this section - it brings me to my knees. Verse 25 is one of my favorites

" For the foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man's strength"

The Irony (if that is the right word) sort of just strikes me. To state the obvious - God is not foolish, ever. Nor is He weak. But we sometimes start thinking that we are so wise, so smart - we have it all figured out, and that we can handle it all. So it kind of stops us in our tracks - just plainly says right out that even God' worst -if that's even possible - is infinitely better than our 'best'. So that is one thing i pulled from this. The second thing that I thought about this verse was that when we do not know what is going on that even though God's plans may seem foolish to us - its better than what we could plan out. So sort of similar. Now as I go back and read the entire section and the history of the passage - its just basically clarifying the awesome power of our God. He is putting down the philosophers of that time and saying that God is the only one where wisdom comes from. He shows his wisdom and glory through the small things so that we might not boast in ourselves. Pretty smart if you think about it. Anyways - its just awesome how God chooses to work because it means that we must constantly keep our ears, eyes, minds and hearts open. Because we do not always know when God will 'show up' and make himself known. And the excellent closing for the day =)

"Let him who boast, boast in the Lord"

Boast in Him always - in everything we do.

Writing to Define

As there are many different forms of spirituality and belief systems, so there are many different ideas of what spiritual beauty really means. If beauty is defined as the quality present in a thing or person that gives intense or deep satisfaction to the mind, then I would submit that, from a Christian point of view, spiritual beauty encompasses the entire journey which one takes with God. This includes the personal relationship, the trials and the triumphs of everyday life, as well as the community and fellowship that is experienced when two or more Christians are gathered. It is like a play; we watch with great anticipation because we do not know how the end will turn out. Once it is finished we can sit back and be satisfied for we know how it turned out and we understand the events in the middle which we did not understand right away.

The deepest satisfaction found in all things spiritual is having a personal relationship with the creator. There is nothing more beautiful than knowing who God is and the love that he has for us. When we talk regularly to God and begin to form that relationship with him, daily life and our ultimate purpose become clearer. We worry less about what is to come and can find satisfaction in the knowledge that God is our friend in all circumstances. It is not a tedious task to have are relationship with God but rather a meaningful bond which, when given enough time, turns into something very beautiful.

Though life may look ugly and dismal at times we must remember to think of the bigger picture which we belong to. God says that when we are weak, then he is strong. This means that God shows his glory through us not when we are always at our best, but when it is evident that we cannot get by on our own strength. It is then when Gods beauty shines through most brightly. If we look at different stories through out history we see that God has greater things planned than we could ever imagine. We cannot always see how things make sense right away, however if we are patient we will remember that God has got both the bad and good under control and will make a masterpiece out of it all.

Personal triumphs give us a very intense feeling of satisfaction. When we overcome temptations or struggles with help from peers or from God. When God convicts us to help the hurting person next to us, or tells us to just listen to a friend in need something beautiful has started. When we are pushed out of our comfort zone to speak against something that is wrong when we know it means ridicule, the fact we can rest in Gods strength and approval is spiritual beauty. When we finally bow our knee and submit everything to our father, there is spiritual beauty.

The most powerful event to watch is when a group of believers come together and listen to what God has to say. Where two or three are gathered, there God is. When believers get together and pray, love and serve together, great things happen when God is the center focus. Great satisfaction can be derived from doing the work of God with fellow believers. Lives are changed when people reach out and love the surrounding community. Spiritual beauty is realised when the purpose of God is wilfully carried out by believers because God has been glorified, and we have been enriched as well as the non-believers. Something beautiful has come out of obedience.


So many things can be attributed to spiritual beauty. Living a spiritually satisfying life is one of the most beautiful things a person can do. We often look at the elderly and the wise in the church and look at them in awe because they have lived beautiful lives. They have been through the ups and downs, they have worked very hard to know, love and serve God as individuals and as well as with fellow believers and they are an example of what spiritual beauty looks like in whole. We who have many years ahead of us can only see a part of the play we are in. We might not be able to see spiritual beauty in its entirety in our own lives, however if we look to others we can have a taste of what is to come if we persevere. Spiritual beauty will unfold itself in each of our walks in different ways.

All The World's a Stage

It is hard to grasp who we are and how we define ourselves sometimes. I like to think of myself as independent and not easily swayed by others opinions, but in reality there are many forces of which i am very ignorant of that persuade how I think. While reading my sociology - I find myself very intrigued by all the different ideas and realities that are presented to me. I sit here in awe of things which I have been so naive to in the past. I am wrestling with the fact that everything I am today is the product of what other people think and do. To a certain extent it is inevitable and unavoidable, however how many of us are content with the way things are. I am not. I like the idea of dependency on community and others, but not the idea that we feel like we must conform to all the norms. The norms I am referring to are these: emotions, humor, equality, status, roles and many more. Who defines these? and what gives them the right to do this? Why do people feel the need to conform to belong? is this wrong? I hate the idea of just going with the flow - it hasn't seemed to get us very far. It is also interesting as we look back on our lives and wonder what lies ahead. How many parts will we play in this world? What parts will we choose to play? Will they be leading characters? will they be parts that are remembered? Or will they be parts that have a role in the plot development and changes? Will we be in the background - hardly noticeable?
'




All the world's a stage
And all the men and women merely players:
They have their exits and their entrances;
And one man in his time plays many parts.
- William Shakespeare (As You Like It, act 2, scene 7)

Just a Thing

So I am totally winging this blog,
Haven't written for several months.
God is Good -
I have come to a realization - actually more than one - but it is this:
Trusting God is the only way to live my life - it is hard and confusing sometimes but I have found no other solution. There is this excitment in my life that won't go away (I don't want it too) Everyone always talks about it wearing off and then you get into a doldrum - a dessert place. But Frankly I don't see this happening. I feel as if I have unlocked this secret door. Everything I do - I just want to be the best and do it for God. I mean of course if you know me you know I fail - but I don't become discouraged anymore! I have found my hope and salvation and I wish thewhole wide world would see. My purpose in life is to serve. To let everyone know - to spread the love that I have. I have never found joy such as this before. I am satisfied with what I have and seek to give it all away. People have become more important than things. Giving love is more important than recieving it. There are so many things I know that I need to work on, but discouragement has been permanently banished! God lifts me up when I need it - be it through self-realization, scripture or other people in my life. I want to love like God loves me. I want to serve others as Jesus has served me. I want to humble myself, be the last in all things.

For some reason I just get it.

I know how I want to live my life and nothing can stop me. I read 'screwtape letters' by C.S. Lewis and there was a paragraph - hopefully I can convey it properly, but as the devils try and persuade us to their side they get close to us and put thoughts in our minds and put things and people across our paths. The same way God works - it is this battle. Anyways, in this exerpt it describes the patient being surrounded by a cloud of asphixyating smoke - the cause? they are so close to God. God is with them and heare aware of it. So these demons cannot 'access' this patient because of the state they are in. I feel as if this is the state I am in. It goes onto decribe that some 'patients' are permanently like this and they are 'lost' to the other side (Gods side). I thought that was just the mosti ntruiging way of looking at it. I want to be permanently in that state, where I know that noting evil will sway me.

"Give me your eyes for just one second
Give me your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Give me your love for humanity
Give me your arms for the broken hearted
Wasnt it far beyond my reach?
Give me your heart for the once forgotten
Give me your eyes so I can see
again"

This is the chorus to a song that I have on permanent loop right now. Its just like the words Jumped out at me. Pretty self-explanatory - but this is how i want to live =)

A list of things

1 Peter 2:11-12 " Dear Friends I urge you as aliens and strangers in the world, to abstain from sinful desires, which war against your sould. Live such good lives among the pagans that, through you they may see your good deeds and glorify God...."
note on vs. 12 - the pagans' evaluation is not a "snap judgement" - the greek word translated 'see' refers to a careful watching over a period of time.
verse 13 " Submit yourselves for the Lords sake to every authority."
verse 16 " live as free men, but do not use your freedom as a cover up for evil; live as servants of God."
verse 17 - show proper respect to everyone: Love the brotherhood of believers, fear God, honor the king.
1 Peter 3:8-9 " Live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, lvoe as brothers, be compassionate and humble. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing."

Chapter 4:1 " Therefore since christ suffered in his body, arm yourselves also with the same attitude.... not for evil human desires but rather for the will of God.
verse 7-8 " Therefore be clearminded and self-controlled so that you can pray. Above al, love eachother deeply because lvoe covers a multitude of sins."
verse 9 offer hospitality without grumbling
verse 10 " use whatever gift he has recieved gift you have received to serve others
** --> if you speak or serve - do it with the strength of God to that in all things He is praised.

A Beginning

1 Peter 1:13 " Therefore prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Christ is revealed. As obedient children, do not conform to the evil desires you had when youlived in ignorance. But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do"

- How do we prepare our minds for action? * study note says that readers should be prepared for physical action (Jer 1:17 = get yourselves ready! Stand up and say to them whatever I command you.(to be taken literally)

- Be Selfcontrolled and do not conform.

- We are to be holy just as Christ was holy.

Holy = Set apart, separated from sin and impurity. *note see exodus 3:5 = holiness involves being consecrated to the Lord's service. Hebrews 12:14 " Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy; without holiness no one will see God."

1 Peter 1:22 "Now that you have purified yourselves by obeying the truth so that you have sincere love for your brothers, love one another deeply from the heart" (brothers = fellow believers(Rom1:13))

1 Peter 2:1 " Therefore, rid yourself of all malice and all deceit, hypocrisy, envy and slander of everykind."

Malice = a desire to inflict injusy, harm or suffering on another because of hostile impule or deep-seated meaness.

Slander= a false, malicious statement or report about someone.

Hypocrisy= a pretense of having a virtuous character, moral or religous beliefs that one does not really possess

Prayer

"Hear my voice when I call to you

May my prayer be set before you like incense

May the lifting up of my hands be like the evening sacrifice

Set a guard over my mouth, O Lord

Keep watch over the door of my lips

Let not my heart be drawn to what is evil,

To take part in wicked deeds,

with men who are evildoers;

Let me not eat of their delecacies

Let a righteous man strike me - it is a kindness;

Let him rebuke me - it is oil on my head

My Head will not refuse it."

- Psalm 141:1-5

How Shall I Live - Intro

So, I've been reading the bible - I started from Genesis and now I am in Ezra... I figured it would be a good idea seeing as I have never actually read the bible in its entirety. Unfortunately it does get a little bit repetitive, so I decided that in keeping with that I would also add to my reading a theme. I have read through lots of the new testament before so I know the just of it... Now I want to go through it looking for "how I should live" and kind of go in depth, sort of like what I did with Proverbs. So instead of people telling me how I should live, and how they think it should be Im going to be 'doing my homework'. Journaling my thoughts and research and such. Of course it won't be like professional or anything but it helps me to keep track.. and for anyone who follows along. I don't know why - but I started in 1st Peter, but I will be going through the whole new testament in chunks and I will also be adding things from the old testament as well when they come up.

Humbling Myself

" This very day, we have failed to practise ourselves the kind of behaviour we expect from other people." - C.S. Lewis

Its kind of like do unto others.... but not really. Sort of inverted, or backwards? I am not to sure what I am trying to say. Or maybe it is an addition to the verse itself. Because Really, how ca nwe expect people to do things when we ourselves are not willing to to them. Its like telling a child to eat their vegitables and yet refusing to eat your own. People work better by example. Its like the secular song by John Mayer " Waiting for the world to change"

We keep on waiting, waiting. Instead of getting off our duffs and doing it ourselves. Why is that? We often forget the power of one person - and especially the power of one person with Jesus by his side. If everyone thought that way all the time where would we be today? Now its not necessarily the concept of hypocrisy - saying you shouldn't litter and then going and doing it yourself. Rather it's the idea of seeing a littered sidewalk, walking by and commenting on how awful it looks instead of picking up some of the stuff that is in your path or rallying people to clean up that neighborhood. But it goes deeper than littering and small things like this. When we examine ourselves and our attitudes towards things we see that this is true of most everyone.

I think I am making this more complicated and complex than it really is. but for some reason I feel the need to expand on the above quote. Perhaps it is because deeper down I know that it is an attitude adjustment that I myself need to make. Is it not true that when there is a disagreement that I always want the other person to be the bigger person? I want an apology or a 'yes you were right'? Is it not true that many relationships are ruined because of this. Of course there may be legitimate reasons but does not God himself call us to be humble? That we are to love unconditionally and forgive our trangressors seventy times seven times? What does it mean to love unconditionally.... and who deserves my unconditional love?

Unconditional:

1. not contingent; not determined or influenced by someone or something else
2. not limited by conditions; absolute: an unconditional promise.

I think as Christians we are required to live by this standard. That when we become a christian our emotions and attitudes should not be influeneced by anything or anyone but the one Above. It is absolute.

Before we can expect others to live by the standards we have set we must do two things - we must first ask "where do my standards come from?" when they are coming from God, not taken bit by bit but the whole lot of them, then we can be sure that they are right. They are absolute and do not sway from person to person - there are no exceptions for billy and sue because of their situations. God calls us to standards individually and I think that once we realise that and the idea that what billy and sue do today are not the ultimate cause of my attitude, (does this make sense?) we will start doing what is right (without being swayed or influenced by anything else) What they do might hurt me or it might be their fault, who knows... but we cannot be prideful. Even if they are in the wrong God calls us to live by the same standards he calls Billy and Sue to. So we are not supposed to wait on them to do the right thing. It would be nice - but that is not what is required of us. The second thing is that we must live by these standards ourselves, which I already have mentioned. Our priorities cannot be watching how other people live and do things, we should be focused on doing the right thing ouselves.

Right?

" The Further I'm From you The harder I try to Exist "
A line from a song I was just listening to.... what does it mean? well silly question - I know what it means I don't know why I am asking. Where am i going with this. OK. It just struck me as the course repeated itself. I thought to myself, that there is nothing closer to the truth. When I am close to God - and getting to know him and I am focused on what he wants for me - I don't worry about where I am supposed to be or where I am supposed to go. I don't fret about why I am alive or why bad things happen and I am completely satisfied. But, when I am far away from God, or say farther than I am used to, I feel lost and like I need to find reasons to be where I am, to exist. I try harder to exist. There is a sense of peace that comes with knowing God, and truly follwing him. The peace though, only comes when we are actually following him and close to what He wants for us. Knowing does nothing. I need to strive to be closer. There is no greater purpose than to exist for God.

Just be....

Once Upon a time there was me, who liked to make hasty decisions.... I usually like to think that I think things through and take my time, but I still end up making silly decisions at the spur of a moment. Just because I think I know everything. Or close to it anyways. I think its funny when I look back, I can see what I should have done and I ike to ask myself or reprimand myself for not doing what I should have. I sometimes feel like I am the only one who goes through this thought process. I will sometimes make up my mind not to do something such as, for example, not ordering fries and a drink so as to save money.... but then when I get up to the register and see the menu my mind or my hunger seems to instantly overpower any common sense that I had minutes before. Or when I made up my mind to not date and concentrate on God and Work and Saving for school - as soon as someone came along that I thought would be a good candidate and things started rolling along - I went against my previous judgement and went for what I wanted at the moment. The power of desire always seems to overcome my good sense and my morals. The question now is simply this: not how do we get rid of these desires that overcome us, rather with what do we replace them with? For we simply cannot just get rid of them for either they will not go away or new ones will just surface to take their place. If we attpemt to discard of them we are left with a void and we will never be satisfied. So, what to we replace this desire with? I have come to realise that the only one that will ultimately satisfy is the desire to know and serve God. I need to immerse myself in knowing God and letting him be my friend, father and Lord most of all. When we come to realise that he is everything - we will never thirst again. The only way that God is able to become that desire that is central in our hearts is if one: we let him, two: we earnestly start to get to know him. Once we shift our line of thinking we are on the right track.
C.S. Lewis said " you can be on the right track but you will still get run over if you don't start going in the same direction." So I need to get off my butt and start going with what I already know and have...

Wonderful.

Living Today

The question of the day - how do we go about our day and do it for the Lord? It is so easy to get side tracked and live for ourselves - even in the little things. We can say our general purpose is Gods agenda... but what does living for God actually look like. It seems to me that everyone kinda just lives their life looking at the other christians that seem to have their life together, wondering how they are so close to God and what their secret is. Jesus is in my life - so what next? It is so easy to get into the habit of saying that when everything is good -- when I have what I need, when the kids are older, when I have more time I want to go out and do what I am supposed to do. What is stopping the general population of Christians from just stepping out daily? I do not know. I know in my own life - I am tempted with worries of what my future is going to look like. How am I going to get there, what do I have to do to make it happen. I get caught up in things that happen. I forget that God is in control and that it is all good. I think that htings will be easier once I am married, done school and have my kids. Once I am settled and have my life 'in line'. But I have since learned that since when is anybodies life going to be in line. It is something that we long for but we will never attain until we learn to be satisfied with today. I want to live for Jesus today and right now. So often I take for granted this day that I am living in. I forget that God can take my life just as quick as he gave it to me. Tomorrow is only wishful thinking.

Today

There is never a moment in my life that nothing is going on.... I can't recall the last time things were normal. Normal meaning I could just be. I know that God calls us to a higher standard and wants us to be everything we can be for him all the time, but sometimes - its hard. It's really cool because I get to experience life and be with people and watch them grow but at the same time it feels like I exist for other people. I love helping people - and I guess now that I think about it - I don't need help at this moment, so I am able. I wish that my heart would always be willing to say - "here I am, send me". God has enabled me to experience things so that I can help others through the same things. I don't mind. Its exhilerating actually. I love how he works through everything and everyone. I feel as though God has made me smart. Like maybe that sounds stupid. I'm not a genius by any means, but I feel wise. I have never acted my age (sometimes I wish I could) But I always seem to have the right answer for people. Why? I do not know. I have not done anything special to deserve this. In fact I usually feel unworthy to be doing work for God - because of the things I have done. I feel like I am missing heart. There are so many factors - I get proud of myself - I think about myself and what I have done - and how everyone likes me.. which is another mystery. haha All of a sudden - people want to be with me. I used to have no friends - and now I am someone that is different from everyone else and they love it? I wish I knew the answer as to what makes me so apparantly different. I have found Jesus. maybe that is it? I finally understand what it means to be a christ follower. I have known for the longest time - and I struggle with it daily, but the struggles are completely worth it. I feel unworthy because I don't take up my cross daily - I am not sure exactly what that means. What is my task in life? I do not know yet. I think right now it is to just be... be in God's presence, be a light?, be a friend, and be real. Right now I feel as if I have lost my very best friend ( I think my thoughts are all over the place right now - even on this page) He can't be my friend - because I don't want more than just to be friends. We shared pretty much everything and now that I am interested in someone else he realises that we are not going to be together. I guess I didn't see it all along - but now he is gone. The cool thing is that Jesus is always there - no matter what happens. I am still not sure how I feel about the whole situation. I think it still has not even clicked in... Even though that is allthat has been going through mymind for the past 5 hours.... I have just lost my best friend.. I have just lost my best friend. I feel like I have broken so many hearts in the past 2 months it is not even funny. Why? I still don't know. I just dont know. It was like I never could get the one I wanted- and now I can get what ever I want. What happened? I have to watch almost every interaction with the male species (haha) because they seem to take it the wrong way - every single time. And no one seems to understand where I am coming from. I don't know. But this last one is almost the worst. Ah - why does everything have to be so complicated.