I have no ideas for a title - so I'll just go with the flow. I figure now that I am back from my epic adventure I have a little time to reflect. Hands down most dynamic trip I have ever been on - I can hardly say best because every trip has awesome aspects. Spiritually - God was good. I kept a journal to record two things... the events of the day, and my personal thoughts/prayers.. whatever I felt like talking about that day. I started the trip with a hard heart towards what God was capable of doing on the trip and also skeptical about what I would be capable of learning. I started out feeling super lost - this cause because of a Facade that I had become very good at putting on. I felt unworthy - as so often it comes down to because of how many times I've messed up and how badly I've messed up this time. Anyways without getting into unnecessary detail - first few days into the trip I was hoping with all my heart out of pure and absolute desperation that God would do something, teach me, mold me, push me, challenge me. I'll have you note that I had just as much doubt that he actually would, but as the days unfolded I started to listen and engage in stimulating conversations with people in the group which I would soon call friends. I cried out to God nightly - and he answered. I was able to become friends with some amazing people - who showed me that I am not alone in my struggles.
Some profound things that I learned -
1.-'It is not easy to befriend God' - probably the most comforting quote of the trip only because it has been my primary stumbling block and to hear that from someone that I respect as a leader. It takes work - which may seem obvious to some people - but to someone like me who is used to seeing results right away it was a wonderful awakening
2. - The wonderful meaning behind monasticism - there is so much behind this practice. Going and spending time with a monk father, watching them pray, even though I could not understand them, learning about what it means to be a monk and the different practices. I used to think it was strictly solitude from the world - and boy was I shown different. They seek solitude to spend more time with God, but more than that its about not owning anything - which is huge. nothing becomes more important than God. And Something which was quoted many times on the trip was from a founding father - Basil the Great 'If we live alone, whose feet will we wash?'
3. - Servanthood, The first characteristic of Christian leadership according to Paul's sermon in Thyateria, recorded in the book of acts - chapter unknown. Anyhow - something struck a chord deep down when we were listening to My prof preach about this in the theater. All of a sudden I was like that's what I've been doing wrong - my motives have ALWAYS been self serving or counting the cost for myself. I have not been a servant. I dont even know what it means to be a servant. So my prayer thus begun to become a servant of Gods will, and that I would always have my ears open and my heart like soft clay ready to be shaped.
I'll end here before y'all get bored - thanks for reading!

Survival

Ah! So I survived my second semester - and my first year. It feels like I just barely passed. the amount of stress that has been alleviated is enormous. So many things were running through my mind. Now it feels like I can finally function somewhat normally. My thought process is slowly returning to a steady pace. Wow. That's pretty much all I have to say. Life is completely different being back in school. Taking the bus downtown brings back a flood of memories. It is tempting to want to go back - but I suppose that now I can think somewhat reasonably - the reward of actually finishing something challenging and finishing it well is insurmountable. Nothing compares - and all the times I thought about quitting - make me want to finish all the more. I just have to remember this feeling when things get tough. I know how much I wanted to quit and how good it feels to have pushed through. The thoughts of quitting are slowly dissolving. I just need time to analyse the entire picture - which I have been unable to do. My judgement gets altered very quickly when things get difficult. I like to run away, avoid and hide. Now that I know this about myself - I must find my support and my strength in someone other than myself. Someone stronger than my stubborness and pride - because I have a lot of both. The obvious option is Jesus - because he is stronger than me in everyway. I suppose I am just always scared to go that route. Sometimes I don't even know if I fully believe in that route. Most of me wants to - but I guess I know how difficulte it is. Which we've already figured out is something im not good at... sticking to things that are difficult. But Im tired of making excuses

No Title

Something that I have yet to grasp in its fullness - is the presence of God in my life.
- I know all the right things - like yeah he is everywhere, always with me, cares about us and isn't just the big guy in the sky. But yet I go about my daily tasks as if I am alone - I try to conquer everything by myself, because I am the only one who understands me. I've heard the preacher speak about inviting God to spend every moment with us... but who actually really does that and is successful. It sounds all good and nice but I haven't been able to do it. Skeptical - maybe. Anyways, how do we get to that point of realizing Gods presence around us all the time?
- for me this morning, it was just kind of declaring the fact that God is right beside me. and imagining Him right beside me and then sort of talking to him. (i was in class mind you) I kind of started to recite all the things I know to be true about God, and then taking to them to heart and declaring them to be true in my own heart. I thought it was quite interesting. I've never been able to pray very well... There have been a few times when I knew God was listening but... only a few times. I can read the bible all I want - but the point is to make it real, make God real. I don't know why thats so difficult for me. to be personal with him.
I know that in order for me to be able to love people - I have to personally know the love that Christ has for me and let it dwell in me - so that it can flow out.

A short Rambling of Absolutely Nothing

I have come to the conclusion that, well, I don't actually really know - I have had the sudden urge to blog and at this very moment I actually have nothing to blog about that would be interesting. I have my concentration song going on - and the fact is I'm not even sure if I will post this post - as it is utterly pointless. However - I might just for the sake of doing something completely useless... I am actually just procrastinating - putting off the inevitable - yuck - writing a dreaded paper. Actually it should be somewhat effortless - as I pretty much get to pick the topic, however its just the idea of writing. which is ironic - because I love writing. Just not for others - somehow - the idea of something of mine written to be judged and critiqued just doesn't appeal - although I realize that there is the potential for this to happen on my site - it really counts and there is pressure - I don't like pressure. Anyways - something I have learned this week.. nothing epic but I'm jsut trying to think of something... Oh yes - I have learned that I have absolutely no determination and that I need serious makeover in my spiritual life. It has become pushed to the very bottom of my list. Or more its on the top of my list - and I just avoid it because I am scared of what I might be asked to do. However - something I was also reminded of this past week while writing a reflection on world religions was that fear is usually fear of the unknown. And you'll (I'll) never know something if I don't try it right? Blah - I have forgotten what it means to love people - and that makes me sad. I used to love seeing people smile - what made them smile made me smile - and now I feel as if I am just putting on a mask - i am not sure what the mask it self looks like - however - I know its a fascade. And yet I dont want to believe that it is.... ahhh oh well those are my ponderings for the day - I must get back to my 'scholarly work' - perhaps I will update you on my progress in getting rid of this mask =)
Adios

If today was your last day

Ok - so this is my temporary theme song - so sad that its nickleback but that is besides the point. Its just funny how so many people think about it and agree that we need to start living like its our last day - but how many of us actually ever do? I have been going through James with my small group and yesterday we went through Chapter 4 and the last verse kind of stuck out to me - I've heard it before so its nothing new but it was just kind of blunt.
"Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins"
I also think of the wonderful gift that God has given each one of us. And I speak for myself when I say that it is often wasted with useless things. The time we have here on earth should be used carefully and dilligently. We are presented with opportunities everyday to do good, think good, and speak good into others - we just need to keep our eyes and ears peeled. OR rather just focused on the father above and we will be shown. So, we should not hesitate. Every moment is a moment that can be used for the greater glory of the one who made us. What holds us back from doing good except that which is our own selfish desire?

Self-Serving Sacrifice

I have officially been charged with living a self-serving faith. I don't know when or what I was doing when it hit me. I think it was when I was driving, as that is where I seem to do a lot of my pondering. Anyhow - I realized that a lot of what I do is for myself. My faith is for me. I am trying to find a way to explain it. I go to church with an underlying thought of church being something I need, and something that fills me up rather than a heart ready to worship a God that loves me and that is so powerful and amazing. It's almost a self worship. In reality, my faith in God, my relationship to him and with him is supposed to be one of servitude. I get fired up when people talk about serving God and that we should be so excited to serve him, yet there is always the thoughts on the back burner that it will solve all my problems because it will make me feel like a better person. It is actually amazing how unnoticed these thoughts have gone. They are all lies - very self serving ones at that. I should be doing it for the sole purpose of giving glory to God. I know it is possible.

I started this blog with the title Self Righteous rather than self serving but i thought it more fitting. Although I am that as well. I need to do everything myself and I always justify things by making silly excuses or brush it of or judge others more severely. I have forgotten what it means to love my neighbor as myself, and to be empathetic. I have forgotten to seek others stories and how to love without worrying about myself first. It is such a good feeling - but I never realized how quickly I forget to do so. It breaks my heart to look back at how almost fake I have been. I want to go back to loving for the sake of loving. Trusting in the one who first loved me.

A Borrowed Life and yet another Recurring Theme

As I've experienced many times... God likes to make themes of events and sermons and such. However - this weeks theme was Living a life on loan. or Live like its your last day (sort of)
There are cookie dough prints all over my keyboard right now - I was using it for baking recipes last night.
off track =) Anyhow... I'm sure I've already touched on this several times, but I guess that just means it is important. So often I find myself wasting time. Whether it be on the internet downloading, lounging around, contemplating studying, or just plain stalling. So many moments are wasted doing our own thing. I speak for myself on this more because that is what I have been doing lately. I wait for God to speak, move, do something spectacular, or something because my life feels empty. I am irritable, quick to judge, tired, and not on my game.

I am quick to try and convince myself that tomorrow I will try harder, tomorrow I will start doing the right thing. I want today to myself. Just one more day for myself. The sermon hit home.... because I know what I have to do and yet I honestly try and avoid it at all cost. God is waiting for me right now. Our lives are borrowed time and a gift from God. There are opportunities to serve God everyday. He is with us every step of the way and yet I am the first to exclude him from so many things. Things would be so different if I tried to walk every moment, not just when there is time. It is actually quite selfish to waste time - the more I think about it. If we claim to be christian then time is precious and we should be seeking for Gods best in every single moment.

- kind of a brief unedited version - =) I had to write it or I would forget

The Lament of a Believer in Exile

Ah, Jesus!

Where have you gone?

When did we lose you?
Was it when we became so certain that we possessed you
That we persecuted Jews,
Excommunicated doubters,
Burned Heretics,
And used violence and war to achieve conversion?
Was it when our first-century images
Collided with expanding knowledge?
Or when biblical scholars informed us that the Bible does
Not really support what we once believed?
Was it when we watched your followers distorting people
With guilt,
Fear,
Bigotry,
Intolerance,
And anger?
Was it when we noticed that many who called you Lord
And who read their Bibles regularly
Also practiced slavery,
Defended segregation,
Approved lynching,
Abused children,
Diminished women,
And hated homosexuals?
Was it when we finally realized
That the Jesus who promised abundant life
Could not be the source of self-hatred,
Or one who encourages us to grovel
In life-destroying penitence?
Was it when it dawned on us that serving you would require
The surrender of those security-building prejudices
That masquerade as our sweet sicknesses?
We still yearn for you, Jesus, but we no longer know where
To seek your presence.
Do we look for you in those churches that practice certainty?
Or are you hiding in those churches
That so fear controversy that they make "unity" a god,
And stand for so little that they die of boredom?
Can you ever be found in those churches that have
Rejected the powerless and the marginalized,
The lepers and the Samaritans of our day,
Those you called out brothers and sisters?
Or must we now look for you outside ecclesiastical setting,
Where love and kindness expect no reward,
Where questions are viewed as the deepest
Expressions of trust?
Is it even possible, Jesus, that we Christians are the villains Who killed you?
Smothering you underneath literal Bibles,
Dated creeds,
Irrelevant doctrines,
And dying structures?
If these things are the source of your disappearance, Jesus, Will you then reemerge if these things are removed?
Will that bring resurrection?
Or were you, as some now suggest, never more
Than an illusion?
By burying and distorting you were we
Simply protecting ourselves
From having to face that realization?
I still seek to possess what I believe you are, Jesus:
Access to and embodiment of
The source of Love,
The ground of Being,
A doorway into the mystery of holiness.
It is through that doorway I desire to walk.
Will you meet me there?
Will you challenge me,
Guide me,
Confront me,
Reveal your truth to me and in me?
Finally, at the end of this journey, Jesus,
Will you embrace me
Inside the ultimate reality
That I call God
In whom I live
And move
And having my being?

Read with Care....

Its funny how stubborn I become sometimes. I have nothing to write about and I wonder why this is... but when I think about it I already know the answer. I love to write about you. God. I easily and quickly become so caught up in things, busy with life, with things, thoughts, dreams, worries and forget that you are right there along with me doing those things with me and sometimes even for me. I let people, circumstances, events, things get in the way. I keep adding to my schedule and everytime I do I squeeze a little bit of you out. and now, here I am - back in the same place where I started last time. Wondering where you are - when in actual fact you are probably asking the same thing. I have forgotten how beautiful life is. The roses have not been smelt for a long time. I am kind of in a suspended mode right now. and i know that when you are not moving forward then you are not growing at all and with God we need to always be growing. This I have not been doing. I find it so easy to fall into a routine and forget the heart of the matter. I hate being considered a person of routine - yet so easily I fall in to that category. I go to church and see my friends and sing my favourite songs - I can even do harmony to most of them and i know the bible. sort of. and then you are forgotten. Even amongst all these 'godly' activities. I have forgotten how to love you and to love others as you loved them first. You are so beautiful - let us not forget. Show me your beauty new everyday.