Today

There is never a moment in my life that nothing is going on.... I can't recall the last time things were normal. Normal meaning I could just be. I know that God calls us to a higher standard and wants us to be everything we can be for him all the time, but sometimes - its hard. It's really cool because I get to experience life and be with people and watch them grow but at the same time it feels like I exist for other people. I love helping people - and I guess now that I think about it - I don't need help at this moment, so I am able. I wish that my heart would always be willing to say - "here I am, send me". God has enabled me to experience things so that I can help others through the same things. I don't mind. Its exhilerating actually. I love how he works through everything and everyone. I feel as though God has made me smart. Like maybe that sounds stupid. I'm not a genius by any means, but I feel wise. I have never acted my age (sometimes I wish I could) But I always seem to have the right answer for people. Why? I do not know. I have not done anything special to deserve this. In fact I usually feel unworthy to be doing work for God - because of the things I have done. I feel like I am missing heart. There are so many factors - I get proud of myself - I think about myself and what I have done - and how everyone likes me.. which is another mystery. haha All of a sudden - people want to be with me. I used to have no friends - and now I am someone that is different from everyone else and they love it? I wish I knew the answer as to what makes me so apparantly different. I have found Jesus. maybe that is it? I finally understand what it means to be a christ follower. I have known for the longest time - and I struggle with it daily, but the struggles are completely worth it. I feel unworthy because I don't take up my cross daily - I am not sure exactly what that means. What is my task in life? I do not know yet. I think right now it is to just be... be in God's presence, be a light?, be a friend, and be real. Right now I feel as if I have lost my very best friend ( I think my thoughts are all over the place right now - even on this page) He can't be my friend - because I don't want more than just to be friends. We shared pretty much everything and now that I am interested in someone else he realises that we are not going to be together. I guess I didn't see it all along - but now he is gone. The cool thing is that Jesus is always there - no matter what happens. I am still not sure how I feel about the whole situation. I think it still has not even clicked in... Even though that is allthat has been going through mymind for the past 5 hours.... I have just lost my best friend.. I have just lost my best friend. I feel like I have broken so many hearts in the past 2 months it is not even funny. Why? I still don't know. I just dont know. It was like I never could get the one I wanted- and now I can get what ever I want. What happened? I have to watch almost every interaction with the male species (haha) because they seem to take it the wrong way - every single time. And no one seems to understand where I am coming from. I don't know. But this last one is almost the worst. Ah - why does everything have to be so complicated.