Ah! So I survived my second semester - and my first year. It feels like I just barely passed. the amount of stress that has been alleviated is enormous. So many things were running through my mind. Now it feels like I can finally function somewhat normally. My thought process is slowly returning to a steady pace. Wow. That's pretty much all I have to say. Life is completely different being back in school. Taking the bus downtown brings back a flood of memories. It is tempting to want to go back - but I suppose that now I can think somewhat reasonably - the reward of actually finishing something challenging and finishing it well is insurmountable. Nothing compares - and all the times I thought about quitting - make me want to finish all the more. I just have to remember this feeling when things get tough. I know how much I wanted to quit and how good it feels to have pushed through. The thoughts of quitting are slowly dissolving. I just need time to analyse the entire picture - which I have been unable to do. My judgement gets altered very quickly when things get difficult. I like to run away, avoid and hide. Now that I know this about myself - I must find my support and my strength in someone other than myself. Someone stronger than my stubborness and pride - because I have a lot of both. The obvious option is Jesus - because he is stronger than me in everyway. I suppose I am just always scared to go that route. Sometimes I don't even know if I fully believe in that route. Most of me wants to - but I guess I know how difficulte it is. Which we've already figured out is something im not good at... sticking to things that are difficult. But Im tired of making excuses
Tuesday, April 21
Thursday, April 9
No Title
Something that I have yet to grasp in its fullness - is the presence of God in my life.
- I know all the right things - like yeah he is everywhere, always with me, cares about us and isn't just the big guy in the sky. But yet I go about my daily tasks as if I am alone - I try to conquer everything by myself, because I am the only one who understands me. I've heard the preacher speak about inviting God to spend every moment with us... but who actually really does that and is successful. It sounds all good and nice but I haven't been able to do it. Skeptical - maybe. Anyways, how do we get to that point of realizing Gods presence around us all the time?
- for me this morning, it was just kind of declaring the fact that God is right beside me. and imagining Him right beside me and then sort of talking to him. (i was in class mind you) I kind of started to recite all the things I know to be true about God, and then taking to them to heart and declaring them to be true in my own heart. I thought it was quite interesting. I've never been able to pray very well... There have been a few times when I knew God was listening but... only a few times. I can read the bible all I want - but the point is to make it real, make God real. I don't know why thats so difficult for me. to be personal with him.
I know that in order for me to be able to love people - I have to personally know the love that Christ has for me and let it dwell in me - so that it can flow out.
- I know all the right things - like yeah he is everywhere, always with me, cares about us and isn't just the big guy in the sky. But yet I go about my daily tasks as if I am alone - I try to conquer everything by myself, because I am the only one who understands me. I've heard the preacher speak about inviting God to spend every moment with us... but who actually really does that and is successful. It sounds all good and nice but I haven't been able to do it. Skeptical - maybe. Anyways, how do we get to that point of realizing Gods presence around us all the time?
- for me this morning, it was just kind of declaring the fact that God is right beside me. and imagining Him right beside me and then sort of talking to him. (i was in class mind you) I kind of started to recite all the things I know to be true about God, and then taking to them to heart and declaring them to be true in my own heart. I thought it was quite interesting. I've never been able to pray very well... There have been a few times when I knew God was listening but... only a few times. I can read the bible all I want - but the point is to make it real, make God real. I don't know why thats so difficult for me. to be personal with him.
I know that in order for me to be able to love people - I have to personally know the love that Christ has for me and let it dwell in me - so that it can flow out.
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